


Merits of Emotion

by WitchVirus



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Boyfriends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Happy, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Kirk is a Jerk, M/M, Sad, Space Husbands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 10:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13211832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WitchVirus/pseuds/WitchVirus
Summary: An alternate ending to the "emotionally compromised" scene in AOS. Spock and Jim are on the verge of a physical argument, until Jim mentions something heartbreaking.





	1. Restraints

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all had a great holiday. I'm back with another fic about our favorite space husbands. A lot of the dialogue I use in this is taken directly from the movies. Of course all credit goes to them, I just wanted to use some of it to start up this fic. Enjoy! (Also, if anyone would EVER like to roleplay with me, check out my tumblr: letstrekintospace. I'd love to start one with someone!)

Jim stepped closer to Spock, inch by inch. With each inch his confusion and rage peaked higher and higher. The Vulcan was on his feet as well, however did not reveal his internal emotions on his face. 

The blonde stopped when he was just a half a step away from touching Spock, their eyes locked. The room drew to absolute silence as the crew members watched the situation unfold. Only the sound of beeping could be heard echoing throughout the room. Jim broke the silence, his eyelids squinting by just a bit. 

"What is it with you Spock, hmm?" Jim dared to break the silence, keeping his eyes on the male in front of him. His own emotions had taken hold of him, and nothing he was about to say could be prevented. "Your planet was just destroyed, your mother murdered." His eyelids pulled closer together, his head slightly tilted to the side. It was as if the crew were watching wild animals stalking around one another. Silence. Risky speech. And more silence. "You're not even upset." He finished clearly, pronouncing each word carefully and dangerously. 

Spock kept a careful eye on Jim. His face showed the same expression that was usually plastered to his face, however his eyes showed a spark. A spark that did not signal excitement, but repressed annoyance. "If you are presuming that these experiences in any way impede my ability to command this ship you are mistaken-" The black haired male was barely able to let his words linger before the other cut him off. The air was stiff and tense, nobody daring to move around them.

Jim averted his eyes down for a brief moment, sucking in a silent breath as he did. He planned his words carefully. Eyes locking right back up with Spock's, he continued. "And yet you were the one who said fear was necessary for command. I mean, did you see his ship?" A small pause. "Did you see what he did?" He finished. It was quiet, but for only a moment.

"Yes, of course I did." Before he could continue, Jim began again. This only pushed the Vulcan further and further, the flame inside him awaiting eruption. 

"So are you afraid, or aren't you?" He tested. He could see the exasperation in Spock's composure, and knew what he was doing. 

"I will not allow you to lecture me about the merits of emotion." Spock fought back, his eyebrows pulling closer together. His mask was being stripped away word by word, and it was terrifying. Not only to Jim, but for the frozen crew members. 

"Then why don't you stop me?" Jim questioned, his eyebrows raising threateningly. 

"Step away from-"

"What is like, not to feel anger? Or, heartbreak? Or the need to stop at nothing to avenge the death of the woman who gave birth to you?" The blonde spat out, his words like dripping venom. Any hope for a peaceful conversation was lost, yet it didn't seem to bother Jim. His emotions poured out of him freely, and he would dig as hard as he could into Spock to ignite some kind of emotion. 

Spock could feel, for the first time in ages, a thin film of tears spreading across his eyes. He blinked them away, holding his composure together. Quietly, and through gritted teeth, he muttered the only thing that he deemed logical to end the argument. "Back away from me.." He trailed off, only to be spoken over by Jim.

"You feel, NOTHING!" The blonde yelled, causing Spock to flinch ever so slightly. This was not apparent to Jim however, and he continued on. "It must not even compute for you." He paused, his mind racing with endless ideas and memories. He thought for a short moment about the friendship they had before this argument had started, and what would be left of it afterwards. They were walking a thin rope, and with each word he knew he was snipping at it. He wanted to tell the Vulcan to forget all of this and to get back to work, but his mouth spoke differently. What he said made even his own heart flip with regret and anguish.

"You never loved her."

All time stood still. The air was heavy and rigid, and all was silent. The crew members' eyes widened, and many mouths hung wide open. 

Jim swallowed hard, his eyes still locked on Spock. However his angered eyes quickly turned soft when he realized what he had said. He could feel his face burning, as well as his heart. He didn't mean what he said, but his emotional breakdown forced it out. What he watched in front of him made his heart break even further.

Spock breathed out. He could feel the air in him being forcefully ripped from his lungs, leaving him choked. When he took a shaky breath in, he could feel the thin film of tears grow stronger. Closing his eyes he breathed out, and took another breath. He turned away from Jim, his knuckles white from being clasped so tightly behind his back. "The admiration that I had for my mother was stronger than the admiration I have for the stars, for life. There is nobody in this universe that I would wish to be with right now more than her, captain." He said, his voice sounded defeated, and his eyes locked to the floor.

Jim took a small, but daring step toward the heartbroken Vulcan. He knew he had absolutely no right to speak or to try to make it better, but he urged himself to try. "Spock, I.. I apologize." He was cut off.

"There is no need. I understand. I am sorry for creating such an argument. I will leave you to your work now." He concluded, heading for the door. Spock quickly made his way out, the door sliding shut silently behind him. He was gone, and the room was still completely devoid of sound. 

Jim mentally kicked himself, beginning to move towards the door. He couldn't just let him leave. Not upset and broken down like this. Turning, his head, he looked directly to Sulu. "Keep watch on where we're headed. I need to fix this." He said, his voice just above a whisper. Sulu nodded, heading over to the captain's chair. He began to give simple and quick orders to those around him as Jim headed out.

It was rare to see Spock upset, Jim thought. And he had destroyed something inside the Vulcan, something that he couldn't take back. But he would try whatever it would take to repair the internal damage.


	2. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a tense argument, Spock had dismissed himself. Jim pushes himself to try and fix things. But will he be able to after what he said?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning/afternoon everyone! I had uploaded the first chapter last night, and couldn't wait to write more. So here I am posting again! Thank you for all the kudos I've gotten so far and the comments. I realized I didn't mention this and someone brought it to my attention, in this fic Jim is the captain. In the original scene in the movie Spock is, but i wanted to change it. :)

Spock had left the room, heading towards his own quarters to regroup. It was rare that he had to do something like this, to walk off duty, but he could not face Jim at the moment. He did not mind the many insults that were thrown at him while growing up, or the physical harm he received, but he minded this. His closest companion, one that he imagined would never make such a comment, spoke it out loud. The Vulcan had a small feeling of hope that maybe, just maybe, the captain didn't mean what he said. However the anger and poison in his words made it difficult to imagine.

"Spock!" Jim called out as he exited the previous room. The name echoed around, but the only sound that was given back to him was beeping and shuffling feet. Eyes searching the halls frantically, he chose to move down the left hallway. He knew he could always order Spock to meet him somewhere, but he felt that would be harsh and rude after what he had said. "Spock!" He tried again, his voice echoing again. Jim listened carefully, hearing quiet footsteps. He was not certain they were Spock's but followed the noise anyway.

Spock could hear the sound of his voice being called, but kept a straight expression as he walked. Many of the crew members gave him confused or worried glances as he sped past them, but he thought nothing of it. Jim was the last person he wanted to speak with, and here he was being followed by him. Taking a breath, he scanned the hallway, trying to find the correct room to retreat to.

Jim was persistent. He was not giving up his search yet. Even if it did mean calling an order to him. However, as he rounded the next bend, he noticed a certain pointy-eared man scurry into a room. The door had slammed shut, causing Jim to stop short.

Was he really about to invade the Vulcan's privacy after the events he caused before? To risk it even further?

The blonde pondered his fighting thoughts for a moment, but decided with his instinct. He would try the door first, with calmness, and see if Spock would let him in. He doubted it, but felt it was worth a try. If that failed, he could try once more, or order him to open the door; however he still felt that would be too cruel. As he made his way slowly up to the closed door, he could feel his heart rate triple what it was before. It hammered in his ears as he took a shaky breath. He lifted his fist up to knock-

The door swung open. Jim's mouth gaped, his fist staying absolutely still midair.

Spock looked broken. Absolutely broken in ways the captain could not even recount.

Words failed Jim as his eyes wandered across the Vulcan's face. He let his fist fall to his side as he took a breath. He knew Spock had his mask on, but he could not hide from Jim the sadness, the betrayal, and the loss. It was present in his hair, for it was pushed just slightly out of line from his anger. It was present in his eyes that were still just slightly reddened from weeping. It was present in his lips that were cracked and dry from breathing so fast. So many small things Jim noticed, but mentioned none of it. He simply took a daring step forward, his head now hanging. The black haired male didn't move an inch, his hands still clasped tightly behind his back.

"Hey." The captain said quietly to start, looking up slowly at his dear friend. Spock's expression did not change in the slightest, though he stood up just a bit straighter.

"Hello." It sounded forced. As if he was pushing every emotion inside of him away to remain composed.

"May I.. enter?" Jim tried, his heart breaking just thinking of the verbal abuse Spock experienced not too long ago. There was a brief moment of silence, and their eye contact broke as Spock looked down. 

"I believe that would be quiet unnecessary, for you have already-"

"No, Spock, I haven't apologized. I haven't fixed anything. I haven't taken into consideration any of your feelings or thoughts until after I said that. Please." He stated reassuringly, his own eyes becoming wet.

The Vulcan took a visibly noticeable shaky breath, and looked back up at Jim. As he breathed out, he nodded so slightly, that one wouldn't notice if they weren't staring at him like the blonde was.

"Thank you." Jim stated softly as Spock motioned for him to come in with another nod. The two made their way into Spock's quarters, the door shutting softly behind them. Spock stood watching his captain, unsure of what to say or do. Jim seemed to make himself right at home as he made his way to the couch and sat. "Spock, come sit." He said, patting the couch space next to him.

The Vulcan slowly made his way over to the couch and sat down awkwardly. He kept his hands folded in his lap, his expression remaining the same as he stared forward. There was a long pause before either of them dared to speak. They both sat staring forward, the only sound being the air vents in the ceiling.

"Spock." The captain said softly, turning his shoulders to look at the other. Spock remained in the same position, his breathing quiet, and facing forward. "I am truly sorry for what I said. I.. I wasn't thinking." He started. The Vulcan glanced at him, but did not move anything except his head. "I have no idea what you've been through and it's not my place at any time, in any universe to question that. Or to make fun of that. Or to act like it doesn't matter. I know it matters. I know it's everything to you." He said, letting his head drop. He shook it slightly before looking back up at Spock. "I know you're in love with the universe. No matter if you say it or not. I know that you care about every star, every planet, every damn atom that exists. I know you care when stars explode, because you believe internally that they were worth so much more. I know, that you feel inside a burst of happiness when you see a planet saved, or even just a single life. I know that no matter how the world evolves, your mission will always be to save it. I know you Spock, and I know that even with all that love for the universe, you STILL, loved your mother even more. And that.. that is the epitome of endearment. And if I were to tell someone just one thing that I've learned from you of all the time we've spent together, it'd be this." Jim turned his body fully towards the Vulcan, hands moving up to grasp his face tenderly. "It's that I have never, in any corner of any galaxy, met such a caring soul such as yours. You are often misunderstood and.. I get that. You don't like to let your guard down and let people in. But the one thing I know is that you hold more emotion, than ANY of us combined. Your heart is a masterpiece, carefully created with an endless amount of passion. And if someone were to ask me who I admire the most." He paused, eyes locked with Spock's. Blue, crystal ocean eyes staring through ones of warmth and Earth. "It would be you, Spock." He finished, licking his quivering lips. He held his position, gently pressing his fingertips into the softness of Spock's face.

The Vulcan turned slowly. The tears of sadness and hatred in his eyes before had long diminished. His hands rose slowly, hesitantly holding onto the ones gripping his face. Spock closed his eyes slowly, taking a drawn-out breath, and releasing it the same way. When he opened his eyes, they were filled with tears again, but this time, ones of gratefulness. 

"Jim, in all of my years of living, of exploring the universe that we refer to as home, I have never experienced such strong emotions as I am feeling right now." He said, swallowing hard. The Vulcan found it increasingly difficult to hold his composure.

"Spock, you are beautiful. And I am so, sincerely sorry for any hurt that I've caused you. I didn't mean any of it. Please, forgive me." He begged, his hold on the other's face becoming just a bit stronger.

"I forgive you. Please, put your mind at ease, for I am not angry. I am.. thankful. I do not deserve such elegant compliments such as those you have given me." He stated softly, a very small smile appearing across his lips. 

"You deserve the world.." The blonde whispered, pulling Spock's head to his own. He rested his forehead against the other's, dropping his hands to hold the Vulcan's wrists. "You are the universe's piece of art, and I couldn't thank it enough. You will always be more magnificent than any galaxy, planet, or supernova." He spoke, barely audible. 

Spock sniffled softly as he closed his eyes. He moved his hands slowly to interlock with Jim's, and said nothing. 

And then, he laughed. A very small and awkward laugh, but he did. Jim pulled his head away instantly to look at the Vulcan with confused eyes, his head tilted. "Spock, why are you-" 

"I ashaya du." He said, looking right at the blonde with the same small smile. The captain still remained puzzled, so he decided to try and explain. "It means, as humans say frequently, I have love for you." He explained with a nod.

Jim's mouth hung slightly open at Spock's sudden explanation. "You? Love.. me?" He questioned, hardly believing it. Spock nodded silently and looked down, seeming as if he regretted it. The blonde took one of the Vulcan's hand in his own once again. This caused Spock to look up, their faces just centimeters apart. "Don't be ashamed." Jim said, looking directly at the other.

"I.. am not." the black haired male stated, his voice hushed.

"May I ask you something?" Jim questioned.

"Of course."

"How does one say, 'my love', in your language?" He asked, their eye contact never breaking.

"T'hy'la." Spock responded, blinking slowly and holding on tight to Jim's hand. 

"Beautiful." The blonde said, barely audible. He moved forward slowly, his hands moving to hold the Vulcan's hips as if they were glass and would break any moment. "You are beautiful." He whispered even quieter, letting his eyes close. Daringly, he pulled the other to him, and let a small kiss escape onto the other's lips. Experience met inexperience, creating a graceful balance. When Jim pulled away gently, he looked directly into Spock's eyes once more. He could see years of held back emotion poured out, and a new healthy soul growing. 

"I ashaya du, T'hy'la."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you go! Jim was able to fix it after all, and I couldn't help but end it with lots of fluff. I hope you all enjoyed this fic, I've never created something with more than one chapter so this was exciting! I will definitely be writing lots more, because I can't get enough of these space husbands. I have lots of ideas so keep watch for new posts. Thank you again to everyone who has read this and left feedback, you're all amazing.

**Author's Note:**

> A cliff hanger, mwuahaha. I know I'm evil, but I'll post the next chapter tomorrow. I hope you're all enjoying, even though it's heart wrenching to read about our favorite boys fighting. :,)


End file.
